I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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