It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize