Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
that may or may not have been my penis.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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