There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
