i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
