how can u be prego again
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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