I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
