hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
