I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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