last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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