and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
