Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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