guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
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