So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
