my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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