I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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