Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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