I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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