Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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