if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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