I am spending my child support on dildos
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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