Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
