I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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