Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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