Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
