someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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