i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
