one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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