Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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