Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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