is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
