he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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