just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
