I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
