So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
