I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
