who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
