he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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