Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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