and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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