If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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