did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
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