It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
