Sry I called you an 8
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
