I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
