Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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