so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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