Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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