I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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