I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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