how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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