I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
