my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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