New low: just hacked my moms facebook
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
we're so committed to being not committed
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
