Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
