we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I deserve to be covered in dicks
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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