I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
