either way he was missing a nipple.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Randomize
