John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
