I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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